As a pastor for over twenty years and a wedding officiant in South Florida, I’ve seen first-hand how communication can make or break a marriage. And great communication doesn’t just happen! It has to be learned and practiced, and that learning and practice never stops. Here are 3 tips for improving communication in your marriage:

Listen to Understand

First, realize that the most important skill of communication is not speaking well, but listening well. If you don’t really grasp what your partner is saying, then what you’re saying in return could be exactly the wrong thing. Communication is 90% listening and 10% talking. Also people don’t only communicate through their voices, but actually more through their bodies. When we’re talking to one another, it’s important to clarify that form of communication. “You’re telling me one thing, but your body language is telling me something else. Tell me how you really feel in your heart. I love you and what to truly understand.”

Express Yourself CLearly

When we talk to the other person, often what we mean to say is not exactly what comes out. Tell your partner that sometimes you don’t express yourself clearly and you want to make sure that what you are trying to say came across accurate. Ask them to repeat to you what they heard you say and what they understood from that. You can even try a game that helps you practice this. Take a regular conversation, and add a rule. Each person cannot reply to the other until they have repeated what the person said, and truly understood them. Playing that game often shows you that you are not really hearing each other as well as you might think.

Argue Respectfully

If a conversation gets heated and you seem to be losing, don’t try the ploy of bringing in more ammunition for the fight. Remember, the goal here isn’t to “win”. It’s to increase your understanding of one another in a way that enhances your connection and intimacy. Couples in conflict often bring up more “evidence” or unrelated problems simply to bolster their position in the fight. What results will be a pile of problems on the table, and none of them resolved. If that happens, one of you needs to say. “Ok, there are a lot of things we need to talk about, but let’s take it one at a time, and refocus on understanding each other, rather than deciding who is right or wrong.”

Also, when in conflict, couples can be tempted to go for the nuclear button. We all know the most vulnerable places in our partner, the barbs that really go deep, but whatever temporary advantage we gain in using them are never worth the long term costs to the relationship. So, as hard as it may be, try to remain fair and kind in your argument.

Finally, in addressing conflict, it is important for couples to communicate even the little things that bother them. Healthy partners realize that little things, if not addressed, can become big piles of things that can negatively affect the relationship. But remember not to get into a pattern of criticizing! (see my blog post on that) For every negative thing you bring to your partner’s attention, make sure you have given him/her 10 compliments on other things.

Above all, crucial to communication is time. Someone once said that the most important way to spell love is TIME. Be intentional about making time to be with one another. With time, and the tips above, any couple can build the sort of communication that makes for an enduring and happy marriage.

Rev. Kennedy McGowan is a South Florida Wedding Officiant who performs InterFatih, Christian, Non-Religious, & GLBT wedding ceremonies. He is an ordained, professional minister with over 25 years of experience. Weddings by Kennedy serves all of South Florida (Broward, Dade, Palm Beach) including Fort Lauderdale, Hollywood, Pompamo Beach, Miami, Miami Beach, Boca Raton, Delray Beach, Palm Beach, Boyton Beach and others. Pastor Kennedy can be reached at www.RevKennedy.com .