Don’t Say Everything You’re Thinking! Use word to build, not damage.

In addition to my work as a wedding officiant, I am also a full-time professional Pastor of a church in Hollywood, Florida. In that role, I have the opportunity to counsel married couples who are experiencing difficulties in their marriages. Over the years, I’ve begun to see patterns of what gets couples off track. Criticism is one of those things.

How Relationships are Slowly Damaged

Today, I noticed a tweet from the writer Peter Rollins that struck me as painfully to the point.  Peter wrote: “The thing that one’s best friends and worst enemies have in common is that they both point out your weaknesses with pleasure.”   Too often in our marriages, these words ring tragically true.  As a minister and wedding officiant in the Fort Lauderdale area, I’ve seen this happen with couples time and time again.  And when it does, it leads to a relationship full of conflict, resentment and bitterness.   Who wants that?!  No one.  But it can be hard to avoid criticism.  After all, our partners will do things that annoy us, and it can be hard to hold back.   When you feel the temptation to criticize, first, ask yourself.  Am I trying to play fair?  (Which ironically, is not good for marriages!)

Stop Playing Fair

Playing fair can seem a good way to manage a relationship, but in reality it’s disastrous.  It makes our love conditional.   “I will give my 50% if you give your 50%, and if you don’t carry your weight, don’t expect me to like it.”   In any relationship, we will constantly have times where one partner carries more of the burden than the other.  That’s normal! When we begin keeping score (a score where our positive actions will always be weighted a bit more favorably), we are starting down a path that never goes anywhere positive.  In marriage, we can’t play fair.   A wise teacher that I had put it this way: “It is my job to give 100% to my marriage, no matter what my wife does. If she gives 10%, it doesn’t negate my commitment to give my 100%.”    Too often, criticism comes from a place where we have lost touch with this truth, and as a result, we are calling our partner to do his or her “fair share.”

Now does this mean that our partner gets a free pass on making improvements?  No, of course not!  It simply means that we don’t do it from a place of superiority or entitlement.  Instead we come from a place of support and encouragement.  Here are 3 keys to better communication with your partner

1) Share without blame

We can express frustrations about things in our relationship, but we don’t need to point a finger to do so.   As the old Dire Straits song puts it, pointing the finger always means three fingers are pointing back at you!   When we share without blame, then it opens the door for both partners to engage in finding a solution.

2) Focus on the situation rather than the person

When we focus on the person rather than the situation, we create an environment that rarely leads to a good result.  So instead of “You never take me out!”  We can shift to “I really wish that we could find more time to do fun things as a couple.”

3) State a positive need instead of a criticism

When we want something corrected, we naturally focus on what behavior we want stopped.  But focusing on what we want, instead of what we don’t want works much better!   So instead of “Stop leaving your clothes on the floor,” say, “It really gives me peace of mind when the house is in order.  Anything you can do to help me with that, I really appreciate.”

Pastor Kennedy

Rev. Kennedy McGowan is a South Florida Wedding Officiant who performs InterFatih, Christian, Non-Religious, & GLBT wedding ceremonies. He is an ordained, professional minister with over 25 years of experience. Weddings by Kennedy serves all of South Florida (Broward, Dade, Palm Beach) including Fort Lauderdale, Hollywood, Pompamo Beach, Miami, Miami Beach, Boca Raton, Delray Beach, Palm Beach, Boyton Beach and others. Pastor Kennedy can be reached at www.RevKennedy.com .